I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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