I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
