Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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