I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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