i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
