I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
