i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
