Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
