I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
