You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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