The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
