I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
