help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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