Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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