oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
