I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We're too hungover to prance.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
