Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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