i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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