I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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