bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
