last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
