the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
