I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
