We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
