Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
