we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
