how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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