I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
