I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
