I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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