So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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