Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
