I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
