you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
