masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We talked him into tasing himself.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Randomize
