I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
