The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
