FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I FOUND THE LEGS
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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