Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
