If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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