My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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