Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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