I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
