Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
