we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
3pm strippers are depressing
you had me at cake vodka
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
