my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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