I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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