I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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