Me. At least after what I've been through.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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