Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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