I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
