im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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