yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Someone came in the potted fern
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
