brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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