Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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