A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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